Back to Work


I had a strong desire to start back at work the day I left the hospital back in early January. I guess it was because I felt lost and needed to prove to myself that I was going to survive. During the darkest moments of my grief I felt the only way to get over this, was to go back to normal. I soon realised that there was no going back, normal does not mean the same as it used to! I kept asking myself “who am I now that I have a huge hole in my life?”


It became very clear to me that if I was going to survive I needed to stop, I needed to be still, I needed to cry. Going back to work had to be put on hold whilst I immersed myself in my grief. It really help to hold myself in the moment for a while, it was hard but I needed to do it to begin to heal. I needed it to fine me again.

I have given myself time to begin the healing process, to think, to cry, to laugh {it feels good to laugh} I’ve have given myself time to get used to this ‘new normal’ and I have also discovered, with much relief, that the the old me is still there, deep within my core is the person I always was, yet I feel stronger and in a way I feel more passionate about the life I have been blessed with, perhaps that doesn’t make sense, but right now I am happy and that happiness takes me right back to the moment I became a mother. I am comfortable with this new me and I am ready to head back to work, I’m actually really excited! I imagine my first day back (tomorrow) will be really emotional, it’s a big step to take but I’m ready. 

6 thoughts on “Back to Work

  1. Mariam Abu Haleeqa

    *hugs*
    From another grieving mother to another. I tell you.. "YOU will survive". You will find your new YOU within this very "new" normal…

    It's been seven months since my baby girl Fatima was born into heaven. I still struggle with figuring out "who I am".

    sometimes I'll feel as comfortable as you are describing. Other times my ground will crumble, and I'll be back in that cold silent delivery room where "nothing" was normal..

    The thing about this "new normal", is to fully accept that its OK for things to not be "normal" any more.. or at least not as they were before.

    its OK to not be OK sometimes. It's OK to cry, to be sad.. to feel uncomplete. Its all part of this "new normal".

    From now on. Everything will be "bittersweet" and thats OK. Good luck in your life my friend. You are in my prayers and thoughts..

    Reply
  2. Country Rabbit

    i hope your new chapter back at work fills you with joy and you sound happy to be going back which is such a good thing. I was so sad to read your loss. i am a twin and my mother didnt know she was having twins until the hour we were born…It was lovely how you wrote about your precious time with your boys when they were born. I wish you happiness and good health, take care of you x kazzy

    Reply
  3. Country Rabbit

    i hope your new chapter back at work fills you with joy and you sound happy to be going back which is such a good thing. I was so sad to read your loss. i am a twin and my mother didnt know she was having twins until the hour we were born…It was lovely how you wrote about your precious time with your boys when they were born. I wish you happiness and good health, take care of you x kazzy

    Reply
  4. Amanda Masters

    The return to work was always going to be an emotional journey. As a mother to twin boys I've read your updates with an ache in my heart; I'm humbled by your strength and quiet dignity and the way you embrace the new you, whilst cherishing your precious sons.
    Much love for the journey ahead xx

    Reply

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