Notes on Motherhood

Sitting at night, with the dim nightlight illuminating my sons face whilst he nestles in my arms having woken for a feed, I am often struck by the sweet sound of his breathing as he drifts back off to sleep. It is a sound I’m sure any mother cherishes regardless of their journey into motherhood, but one that takes my breath away over and over again. I always linger a little longer soaking in the mellow sounds he makes and feeling the weight of him in my arms, the roots of my love for him twist a little deeper as my heart swells with gratitude beyond measure.

Since welcoming our third son into the world, life has been an incredible whirlwind of emotion, every single day is different from the day before, something new to learn and memories to be made. Parenting our rainbow baby has soothed my broken heart, Arthur’s first breath was solace for my aching soul having lost our twins who were stillborn at full term almost two years ago. The moment I first saw him, tiny and brand new, was a moment like no other in my entire life, it felt as though the weight of death had been lifted from my heavy heart, fears for life dispelled into a joy that touched my soul.

I have felt confused and lost within my own feelings; I am a mother to three perfect boys, yet only one relies on me for nurture. Even now, seven months on it is hard to comprehend that such a painful loss brought someone so precious into the world. I have searched for the right words but can’t seem to find them, all I know is that my heart feels full, he has brought so much joy into our lives and for that I am eternal grateful. 

6 thoughts on “Notes on Motherhood

  1. Rida and Chris

    Such perfect words and so thoughtful. You are such an amazing woman and mama. I can't imagine that sadness and pain you will feel for your twins. But please know it's ok and that you acknowledging them is wonderful.
    You are/were a mama to them all.
    All my love xoxox

  2. Ashlea Kerr

    Beautiful words and cherish those special moments! There is no 'right' way to feel, you have been through an incredible journey and writing posts like this are the perfect way to capture it! x

  3. Jenny J

    What a wonderful post. I cannot imagine what you went through, although as you know I have a close friend who went through the same. Seeing you both with your rainbow babies is a beautiful thing, bittersweet, but beautiful xx

  4. Heather

    What a beautiful post – I read your words with tears in my eyes. Both because I can identify with that sense of joy and amazement that motherhood brings, but also because I can't even begin to imagine the pain of your loss x


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